Contacts

Today I got them and my eyes hurt.

Unbelievably

I told Cody everything. I am really really scared of what he will say.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to tell Cody everything. Every bloody detail. I think he needs to know. He may be 1300 miles away but he is one of my closest friends and he deserves to know just how messed up his friend is. I hope you will pray that I can have the courage and not chicken out like I have done so many times in the past.

I'm sick

Pray for me because I feel miserably.

sigh.

Late into the night Christi wonders if rescue is really possible, if love really is the movement and if the bleeding will ever completely stop. Christi has been pondering these things for a long time. Christi longs for the strength to tell the people she loves the most the thing that might them cut most deeply. Christi wants to know why she was able to be strong for nine months but her strength has left her so suddenly in recent weeks.

I need to sleep. I need to dream about a day that I won’t struggle to love myself. A day that a blade won’t feel so comfortable in my grip. A day that I will find someone to love me that way Jesus loves me. I want that day to come, I need it to come soon.

A realization

I have realized recently that I have a lot of friends but of the people I consider my "closest" friends one lives six states away, and the other lives in Canada. Why can't I find people in New Mexico who will love me for who I am?

Christi the merch manager

On Thursday I gained 5 new friends. Their names are Kevin, Jake, JD, Jamie and Wes. They are collectivly known as Rush of Fools and I love them. I honestly consider them my friends and I hope that they feel the same way. I hung out with them all day on Thursday and then I became Christi the merch manager. After the show as we were tearing things down they came and told me that they had come up a dollar short and I told them sorry. They laughed at me. They said that a dollar is the least amount that they have ever been off that made me feel special. Then for the rest of the night they kept telling me how amazing they think I am. That made me feel even more special. After that they said that they were going to make me come with them so they wouldn't lose lots of money anymore. They like me, they really like me. And I really like them.

achoo!

My allergies are slowly killing me. For most people allergy season has passed but mine are year round. It sucks. My eyes are all red and puffy. I'm sneezing uncontrollably and I have way too much snot. It's gross but deal with it. I'm going to go sneeze some more. Good Day to you.

FF Day 3

It is official my little sister has become a little boy crazy. Today after Old Man Shattered played she cam up to me and was like Johnny is really hot. For those of you who don’t know Johnny is the guitar player for OMS. I mean she’s not wrong but 6 months ago she never would have said that. My baby sister is growing up *tear*

I saw Falling Up back in May for the first time and I saw them again today. Today I was talking to this guy while I was waiting to get autographs from OMS. That guy was the lead singer of Falling Up. His appearance has changed so much since May that I didn’t even recognize him.

Red is amazing. That is the only way to express it. They are amazing both on and off stage because they don’t take themselves too seriously so they are fun to hang out with and they rock like there is no tomorrow.

This has absolutely nothing to do with Freedom Fest but have any of you had the top of your foot itch really bad and then you scratch the snot out of it, then it bleeds and burns like fire? I have.

FF Day 2

Tell me your thoughts on this.
If you were married would you only hug your wife? Today I encountered a whole band of guys who wouldn’t hug me because they only hug their wives. Honestly I think that is awesome because it shows just how much you love your wife.

Have any of you ever noticed how much Jeff (from Rockwell Social) and his brother look a like? If you don’t know they look like the same person.

Jaron is the creation of Daniel Biro(From Hawk Nelson) Franklin is the creation of Christi Spear. They are stars, they are cousins. It is awesome. I love Jaron, Daniel loves Franklin. That makes me mucho happy. : )

Freedom Fest day 1

I’m fairly sure that the P86 experience was the best concert I have ever been to. I am pretty sure that I will never again see a stuffed dog bone converted into ET by The Classic Crime. I’m extremely sure that Ever Stays Red is a lot older than I thought they were. I am completely sure that all the members of Wavorly are my new best friends.

Broken promises lead to a need for prayer

If you are reading this and you don’t know my history go read the blog entry entitled “Hello New Readers” then come back.

Broken glass is my biggest Self Injury trigger and do you know what happened Wednesday night? I dropped a glass and it shattered. Broken glass everywhere. I picked up all the glass it was tied up in a bag and then I went to the bathroom to clean a cut from stepping on a piece of the glass and then I opened the bag reached in and pulled out a piece and cut my hand. It is a small cut but in that cut is an 9 month promise down the drain. I let myself down I should have taken the bag straight outside but I didn’t. By taking the bag to the bathroom I gave myself I temptation that I knew was almost impossible to resist. It breaks my heart I vowed to never cut again. But I did and it hurts that I broke that promise. Pray for me. I need it desperately.

Randomness in the style of MeLissa

This is something I am postig here and on myspace because I like it so much. I will see Paul Wright Wednesday night and I am berry excited.



I like scarves a lot. Especially the one I made that is gray and turquoise. And my one that is pink, green and black. They are awesome.

Why do I always ramble on and on when talking to Edison Glass? This especially happens when I am talking to James. WHY?!?!

I can already see the comments that will come in but I will say it anyway. I don’t like Evenesance. There I said it. I have never really liked them and unless drastic things happen I will never like them.

In recent weeks I have developed severe insomnia. I will literally lay awake for hours unable to fall asleep. It is pretty horrible.

Another thing that I have developed recently is snorting when I laugh. Maybe my sleeping abilities and my laughing skills have gotten together to plan my downfall. hhhhhhmmmm.

Yesterday I learned that Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts

If any of you want to donate I am buying a castle with MeLissa and I need $25,000 help me out.

As of this moment in time I have an irresistible urge to name my children after characters in Harry Potter just to be cruel. I will name my son Mundungus or Hagrid and my daughter Minerva or Nymphadora

School

I start classes on Monday and I will just be honest and say I am not very excited. Here are the classes I have. Microeconomics, Analytic Writing, Intro to Psychology, and Living World Religions. I have a feeling that most of my classes are going to be wicked hard. I will get through it though.


On an insanely more exciting note Freedom Fest is NEXT WEEKEND!! I am very excited about that.

Today was hard.

As someone who is an ex-self injurer I have day that are worse than others. Today has been one of those days. Today my urge to cut skyrocketed. I can honestly say that it usually is the stuff that others think nothing of that really bothers me. Things like the fact that some one was supposed to write to me on Monday and they still haven’t written me. I think differently than the general population in the fact that when someone doesn’t write to me or things of that nature I instantly jump to conclusions. I revert to my old way of thinking that no one likes me, that no one would really miss me and that I am not worth anything. It is really hard to overcome these things.

If you have never been someone who self injures you really cannot imagine what it is like to see through these eyes. You really can’t understand that it is usually the little things that hurt the most.

Just pray that I can be strong because some days it is so unbelievably hard.

Losing Steam

You know how you start something and you are really gung ho for a little while but then you lose steam? That is kind of how I feel right now. For about a week I wrote a blog post everyday but then I got kind of discouraged when no one was commenting on them so this is my first post since Sunday. I know the point of a blog isn’t to get comments but I like comments. And it made me sad when I saw only those lonely three comments. I will try and post more even if no one is comenting on them.


Here I am though to fill you in on the randomness that is my life.

I have no social life, I’ll just put it on the table. I have a lot of friends but no one ever really remembers to invite me to things. Sad Day : ( oh well. But anyway since I don’t have a social life I have a lot of free time. Freedom Fest is just a cuple weeks a way and I am very excited so I am sewing things for all the bands to sign. I made a bat, a heart, a star, a dog bone, a tree, a cloud, a hand, a fish, a worm and a guitar. I made all these stuffed things man do I feel lame telling you this. But I did and some came out better than others like the fact that the heart came out very small but the guitar is huge. I also am going to make the shirt that features lyrics from every band that I talked about in my blog about FF.

Other than having way too much time on my hands life is going well. On Saturday the 18th I participated in a survey posting battle and I posted 16 myspace surveys in one day. That was an insane amount of surveys to do in one day. I will probably never do that again.

That is all for now. Have a nice day.

TVB

Today I saw The Violet Burning play. They are amazing.

Cody's Burfday

Yesterday was my Cody’s birthday. Cody just moved to Louisville, Kentucky to go to seminary and I miss him a lot. He doesn’t know it but Cody is one of the reasons I have been able to keep to my promise of not cutting. Cody is the type of peorson who makes everyone he comes in contact with feel loved. On numerous occasions Cody has told me he loves me and I love him. Cody helped me remember that people, or at least one person, love me and that I am better than the depressed girl who cut herself to feel. He held me up with his love when I was close to falling. I really miss my dear friend Cody.

Lots of Music. Yay!!

Labor Day weekend I will be attending a thing called Freedom Fest and I am starting to be VERY excited. It is going to be three days, 10 bands, vicious sunburn, and riding way too many amusement park rides. It shall be amazing. Here is the lineup:

Saturday:
Wavorly
Ever Stays Red
The Classic Crime
Project 86

Sunday:
Foolish Things
Rockwell Social
Hawk Nelson

Monday:
Old Man Shattered
Falling Up
Red


I am very very excited. Last year at Freedom Fest I made a shirt that had lyrics from every band and I made them find their own lyrics. That was really fun and I think I might do it again because you would be surprised at how hard it was for some of them. It didn’t really help that I chose the most obscure lyric I could come up with. I cannot wait.


I also found out Wednesday night that Todd Agnew and A Rush of Fools are playing a show at my church. That's exciting too.

Is it easier?

A very smart guy named Jonathan told me that sometimes the people who it is easiest to talk to are complete strangers and I have found this to be true. I spill my heart on this blog and it would be incredibly hard for me to let the people I’ve known for a long time read it. If they were to read this blog it would shock them because none of they could even fathom how close to suicide I was. But like they always tell you in health class the people who are close to suicide are the ones you least expect because they have learned to hide it so well.

I am going to try and make this blog more light hearted because it is awfully heavy. Try being the keyword.

Also I posted a picture that isn't of my knee so you can see who I am. It is a picture of me and Hawk Nelson

Hello new readers.

I recently have taken to commenting on Brock Gill’s Blog so I have a feeling I might actually have people who read my blog. I will give you the short version of who I am, if you want to see the whole picture go and read my blog from the beginning. That isn’t really all that big of a task I think there are only about 15 entries total.

Hello, my name is Christi. I was born into a Christian home and raised as such. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7. When I was 9 my dad died. When I was 10 my mom got remarried to a man who was a complete jerk and my mom was the only one who couldn’t see it. When I was almost 12 my mom came to her senses and got a divorce. Later that year my aunt, uncle and cousin moved in with my sister, mom and I. My cousin Jessica was “special” or that is what she made people think. She would skate through school not really having to try and I was working my butt off. The fact that Jessica got never ending praise caused me to become depressed because I felt like no one cared about me or how hard I was working. Even after Jessica moved out of our house I never fully came out of my depression and I started to self injure. It started out just being things like not eating lunch because I didn’t feel good about myself that day and escalated progressively as I went through high school and by the time I stared college I was cutting myself a lot. January 3, 2007 I stopped my bleeding. I decided that I needed to change before I cut too deep and died. Since then I have worked really hard to try and be better. I have found out who my real friends are and I have found people who care even though I have never actually seen them face to face. I have seen just how much God loves me and I have finally found MY faith not the faith that other people tell me I need to have. I am trying to be better than I was before and all I ask is that if you only want to hinder my journey do it somewhere else.

What? Two in one day? Crazy!

I posted this on myspace early this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?

Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.

But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.

I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.

I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.

Just a little while ago I posted this

Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.

Tell me your thoughts

Long time no blog

My “Dashboard” said last post on April 24 and that was a long time ago. Here I am to update the blog that I said I would update more often but I honestly forget to or when I remember it is 3 in the morning or I’m at church or other completely inconvenient times. But here I am. Summer is almost over and it has been amazing. I went to Kansas City, Missouri for Blume. I spent a week at Inlow. I went to Centrifuge as a leader. The most exciting thing that happened was sharing my story face to face with someone and having them tell me that they know how I feel because they have lived the life of rejection and have lost 50 pounds because they thought it would make boys like her more only to realize that it made no difference. Since April I have fully realized the love God has for me. Your Favorite Enemies continues to make me feel worth something.

Right now my life is overall pretty good and I am happy about that fact.

Cody

love is a refuge with fears and doubts.

so true.

I finished the semester yesterday I am happy about that. Thismorning I got a letter from my friend Cody it told me how he feels like he failed me and how he is sorry. Last summer when I made my pledge to have a boy free diet he made a pledge of nundonship and then he thought he had found the one so he broke his promise. About a month ago he broke up with the one and he felt like he failed me. I wrote back to him to tell him that I felt like I had failed him. Since my last post my 150 day anniversary came and it was amazing.

insane

So I told you that this blog would probably be updated a couple times a week what a joke. I am updating it more often though so that is good. I think the last time I wrote was March 27 so here is what has happened since then.

Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?

YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.

Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.

Man oh man

So here I am writing the first blog entry in my new direction. I am continually amazed at how one moment you can be completely on the verge and then a word, a smile can change the course of your entire week. A little while ago a wrote to a band named Nevertheless and told them how their music and bloggings had encouraged me when I really needed it. When I wrote to them I hadn't really expected a reply but I got one and it brought me to tears that a band would take time out of their busy schedule to write to me. It blew me away it really did.

I'm just going to throw some thing that you should know. I have a class this semester that I hate. It might me more like that I hate the teacher because I think that if I had a different teacher the class wouldn't be so bad. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this class because I could drop the class and not have to deal with it anymore but if I drop the class I wouldn't have enough credit hours to qualify for the scholarship I am supposed to get for the next semester. I don't know what to do.

Different Direction

I have decided that I need to take this blog in a competly different dirrection. I am going to release my story and tell you you just my day to day workings. This blog will hopefully get updated at least a couple times a week. I want to expose my heart show you how I became Christi.

To understand you have to come back with me to the very beginning. I was born into the quid essential Christian home my dad was the highly influential member of the congregation who everyone thought was perfect. Everyone thought he was wonderful because he over came his disabilities of being a blind paraplegic and he loved God and loved his family. My mom stayed at home and had Tupperware parties for all the church women. My sister was born just days before I graduated kindergarten and was dedicated to the Lord when she was 2 days old. If anything my family and I deserved to be in a TV ad for a church. I became a Christian when I was 7 and the next two years were the best years of my life. That was until my dad died. The day my dad died started a battle within me that continues even today. Just barely one year after my dad’s death my mom fell in “love”, got remarried and moved us away from the only home I had ever known. My step dad had been married twice before and had 4 children. He thought his kids were angels and could do no wrong so whenever something went wrong it was me or my sister’s fault. He physically abused my sister by grabbing her nose and saying that thing that goes “I got your nose" he would swing her face around and she would get bloody noses and it wouldn’t surprise me if he had broke her nose one of those times. It took my mom 493 days for my mom to see through his crap and file for divorce. Yes I counted. After my mom came to her senses we stayed in Durango. About six months after the divorce my mom let my aunt uncle and cousin move in with us. My cousin Jessica is “special” or that’s what she made everyone believe. Jessica was put in special ed classes because she had people convinced she had a learning disability. Jessica didn’t really have a learning disability because she told me so. She said that it was so nice to just be able to float through school with out having to put any effort. Jessica made me promise to never tell anyone so I didn’t until right now I have never told anyone that I knew all along that she didn’t have a learning disability. Holding that secret for her was my down fall. After Jessica moved in with us she started having boys fall all over her. I still to this day have never had a boyfriend and within one week of going to school Jessica had a boyfriend. I was working my but off for my grades, Jessica was skating through school. I got more and more depressed everyday. Jessica would bring home school work having got a B and get never ending praise, I would bring home a paper with a B and get told to get the A next time. It killed me. The straw that finally made me completely give up was one day when me and Jessica both brought home a math test that we both had gotten an 86% on. Jessica’s test covered material I had mastered in fourth grade, mine was an 8th grade pre algebra class when I was in 7th grade. Jessica was praised “Great job” “we knew you could do it” “keep up the good work” you want to know what I got? “Good job but you should get an A next time” I decided right then that if they couldn’t praise me for my accomplishments I would stop accomplishing things. I stopped trying I walled myself off. I cried myself to sleep every night because I wanted so desperately for someone to care enough to notice I was hurting. Since I quit trying I essentially failed 7th grade so I was sent off to summer school. One day in summer school I went and sat down at a table with people during the break between classes and one of the people said go away bitch no one wants you here. That night was the first time I cut myself. I just hurt so bad and had pushed all the pain so far down that I just exploded. I cut and it kind of scared me how easy it was that it didn’t cut again for a long time. By the beginning of 8th grade I was very suicidal, I fully believed that God had abandoned me and that no one would notice if I just disappeared. I planned my suicide all out, I knew when I knew where I knew with what. I had one foot off the cliff I was so close to the edge. The only thing that kept me from falling face first into the abyss was a guy in my 8th grade class by the name of Jesse. He saved my life by caring, Jesse had never been where I was but he saw through the façade I had and listened when no one else would. 8th grade had its ups and downs but one of the biggest downs didn’t happen until the very end of the year. I knew that I was moving over the summer and I had written a letter to Jesse to tell him the things I couldn’t say, things about how he saved me, how I was so glad that I had the privilege of being his friend, and that I would miss him more than he would ever know. Someone jokingly said it was a love note and Jesse flipped out, he tore it up and threw it away without ever reading it. Jesse never spoke to me again I really have no idea why it broke my heart and sent me spiraling downward. I don’t think I have ever fully recovered from that event, I have a very hard time trusting people because I am so afraid that they will hurt me like he did. I moved back to Albuquerque and I started high school as the new kid. I am very quiet until you get to know me so I don’t made friends very easily, the fact that I am quiet also makes me an easy target for bullies so I got teased a lot during my first year of high school. This made me start cutting again. After freshman year things calmed down I still cut because I still tried to shut the world out by not showing anything until everything overflowed to a razor blade. In tenth grade I had a teacher who looked me in the eye and told me to go for my dreams no matter how impossible they seem. In eleventh grade I had another amazing teacher that showed me how to let go and have a good time. Twelfth grade was the year I was most stressed in high school I was preparing for college I was much more active at school. Everyone thought I was doing pretty good but they didn’t know that all the stress made me cut. I graduated the summer went pretty well until the end when I had to completely change my college plans because of money. I stayed in Albuquerque instead of going down to Las Cruses, New Mexico. Not being able to go away to college broke my heart and sent me self injury into overdrive. Self injury is an addiction and just like taking drugs eventually what you started with isn’t enough anymore so my cutting got deeper and I got further from who I wanted to be. Things just got worse over the course of my first semester in college, I had a teacher who treated me like dirt and failed me. On December 7th my little sister went to the doctor because she was having horrible stomach pain on December 8th she was admitted to the hospital with a burst appendix. I lived in the hospital with Sara for the ten days she was in there. Since I was living at the hospital I had to ride the bus to get to school to take my finals. On the day that I had the final with my jerky teacher I left with what should have given me plenty of time but due to traffic I got to the classroom 5 minutes late and my teacher wouldn’t let me in to take my final. Since I didn’t take my final she failed me for the entire semester. Since I failed a class my financial aid was taken away, since my fanatical aid was taken away I had to pay for my classes this semester out of my pocket. This brings us to 2007. On January 3rd I stopped my bleeding. I was tired of feeling the way I did. I wanted t be different I needed to change what I was doing to myself. I haven’t cut in over 100 days. I’m not going to lie to you not a day goes by that I don’t have the urge to cut but I have to remember to be strong.


This is my story and you don't have to understand you just have to know it is true.

6 months

July to January that is a long time but here I am again. I read through my previous posts and I said Luke could be "the one" I laugh at that because not even a week after I posted that Luke began going out with one of my best friends. Why do I even try? I know boys don't like me like a girlfriend. I'm just the friend whose shoulder you can cry on.

I will give you an update on my life in the months in between my last post and now. I went to a place called Inlow and found that sometimes the people who love you the most are the ones who you just met. While I was up there I also realized that what people told me was true, boys are not worth all my time and tears. In that moment I made a promise that boys can wait and I am not going to pursue any relationships until 07-07-07 why that specific date I don't know that’s just when it is. On a completely different note I stayed in Albuquerque instead of moving down to Las Cruces to start college. That was a very big decision for me but I did it and now I have decided to stay another semester up here in Albuquerque. My sister’s appendix ruptured and I lived at the hospital with her for 10 days. However, she can’t have surgery until February so they can clear out the infection.

That is all the big things that have happened since my last post and as always you don’t have to understand you just have to know it’s true.