Broken promises lead to a need for prayer

If you are reading this and you don’t know my history go read the blog entry entitled “Hello New Readers” then come back.

Broken glass is my biggest Self Injury trigger and do you know what happened Wednesday night? I dropped a glass and it shattered. Broken glass everywhere. I picked up all the glass it was tied up in a bag and then I went to the bathroom to clean a cut from stepping on a piece of the glass and then I opened the bag reached in and pulled out a piece and cut my hand. It is a small cut but in that cut is an 9 month promise down the drain. I let myself down I should have taken the bag straight outside but I didn’t. By taking the bag to the bathroom I gave myself I temptation that I knew was almost impossible to resist. It breaks my heart I vowed to never cut again. But I did and it hurts that I broke that promise. Pray for me. I need it desperately.

Randomness in the style of MeLissa

This is something I am postig here and on myspace because I like it so much. I will see Paul Wright Wednesday night and I am berry excited.



I like scarves a lot. Especially the one I made that is gray and turquoise. And my one that is pink, green and black. They are awesome.

Why do I always ramble on and on when talking to Edison Glass? This especially happens when I am talking to James. WHY?!?!

I can already see the comments that will come in but I will say it anyway. I don’t like Evenesance. There I said it. I have never really liked them and unless drastic things happen I will never like them.

In recent weeks I have developed severe insomnia. I will literally lay awake for hours unable to fall asleep. It is pretty horrible.

Another thing that I have developed recently is snorting when I laugh. Maybe my sleeping abilities and my laughing skills have gotten together to plan my downfall. hhhhhhmmmm.

Yesterday I learned that Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts

If any of you want to donate I am buying a castle with MeLissa and I need $25,000 help me out.

As of this moment in time I have an irresistible urge to name my children after characters in Harry Potter just to be cruel. I will name my son Mundungus or Hagrid and my daughter Minerva or Nymphadora

School

I start classes on Monday and I will just be honest and say I am not very excited. Here are the classes I have. Microeconomics, Analytic Writing, Intro to Psychology, and Living World Religions. I have a feeling that most of my classes are going to be wicked hard. I will get through it though.


On an insanely more exciting note Freedom Fest is NEXT WEEKEND!! I am very excited about that.

Today was hard.

As someone who is an ex-self injurer I have day that are worse than others. Today has been one of those days. Today my urge to cut skyrocketed. I can honestly say that it usually is the stuff that others think nothing of that really bothers me. Things like the fact that some one was supposed to write to me on Monday and they still haven’t written me. I think differently than the general population in the fact that when someone doesn’t write to me or things of that nature I instantly jump to conclusions. I revert to my old way of thinking that no one likes me, that no one would really miss me and that I am not worth anything. It is really hard to overcome these things.

If you have never been someone who self injures you really cannot imagine what it is like to see through these eyes. You really can’t understand that it is usually the little things that hurt the most.

Just pray that I can be strong because some days it is so unbelievably hard.

Losing Steam

You know how you start something and you are really gung ho for a little while but then you lose steam? That is kind of how I feel right now. For about a week I wrote a blog post everyday but then I got kind of discouraged when no one was commenting on them so this is my first post since Sunday. I know the point of a blog isn’t to get comments but I like comments. And it made me sad when I saw only those lonely three comments. I will try and post more even if no one is comenting on them.


Here I am though to fill you in on the randomness that is my life.

I have no social life, I’ll just put it on the table. I have a lot of friends but no one ever really remembers to invite me to things. Sad Day : ( oh well. But anyway since I don’t have a social life I have a lot of free time. Freedom Fest is just a cuple weeks a way and I am very excited so I am sewing things for all the bands to sign. I made a bat, a heart, a star, a dog bone, a tree, a cloud, a hand, a fish, a worm and a guitar. I made all these stuffed things man do I feel lame telling you this. But I did and some came out better than others like the fact that the heart came out very small but the guitar is huge. I also am going to make the shirt that features lyrics from every band that I talked about in my blog about FF.

Other than having way too much time on my hands life is going well. On Saturday the 18th I participated in a survey posting battle and I posted 16 myspace surveys in one day. That was an insane amount of surveys to do in one day. I will probably never do that again.

That is all for now. Have a nice day.

TVB

Today I saw The Violet Burning play. They are amazing.

Cody's Burfday

Yesterday was my Cody’s birthday. Cody just moved to Louisville, Kentucky to go to seminary and I miss him a lot. He doesn’t know it but Cody is one of the reasons I have been able to keep to my promise of not cutting. Cody is the type of peorson who makes everyone he comes in contact with feel loved. On numerous occasions Cody has told me he loves me and I love him. Cody helped me remember that people, or at least one person, love me and that I am better than the depressed girl who cut herself to feel. He held me up with his love when I was close to falling. I really miss my dear friend Cody.

Lots of Music. Yay!!

Labor Day weekend I will be attending a thing called Freedom Fest and I am starting to be VERY excited. It is going to be three days, 10 bands, vicious sunburn, and riding way too many amusement park rides. It shall be amazing. Here is the lineup:

Saturday:
Wavorly
Ever Stays Red
The Classic Crime
Project 86

Sunday:
Foolish Things
Rockwell Social
Hawk Nelson

Monday:
Old Man Shattered
Falling Up
Red


I am very very excited. Last year at Freedom Fest I made a shirt that had lyrics from every band and I made them find their own lyrics. That was really fun and I think I might do it again because you would be surprised at how hard it was for some of them. It didn’t really help that I chose the most obscure lyric I could come up with. I cannot wait.


I also found out Wednesday night that Todd Agnew and A Rush of Fools are playing a show at my church. That's exciting too.

Is it easier?

A very smart guy named Jonathan told me that sometimes the people who it is easiest to talk to are complete strangers and I have found this to be true. I spill my heart on this blog and it would be incredibly hard for me to let the people I’ve known for a long time read it. If they were to read this blog it would shock them because none of they could even fathom how close to suicide I was. But like they always tell you in health class the people who are close to suicide are the ones you least expect because they have learned to hide it so well.

I am going to try and make this blog more light hearted because it is awfully heavy. Try being the keyword.

Also I posted a picture that isn't of my knee so you can see who I am. It is a picture of me and Hawk Nelson

Hello new readers.

I recently have taken to commenting on Brock Gill’s Blog so I have a feeling I might actually have people who read my blog. I will give you the short version of who I am, if you want to see the whole picture go and read my blog from the beginning. That isn’t really all that big of a task I think there are only about 15 entries total.

Hello, my name is Christi. I was born into a Christian home and raised as such. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7. When I was 9 my dad died. When I was 10 my mom got remarried to a man who was a complete jerk and my mom was the only one who couldn’t see it. When I was almost 12 my mom came to her senses and got a divorce. Later that year my aunt, uncle and cousin moved in with my sister, mom and I. My cousin Jessica was “special” or that is what she made people think. She would skate through school not really having to try and I was working my butt off. The fact that Jessica got never ending praise caused me to become depressed because I felt like no one cared about me or how hard I was working. Even after Jessica moved out of our house I never fully came out of my depression and I started to self injure. It started out just being things like not eating lunch because I didn’t feel good about myself that day and escalated progressively as I went through high school and by the time I stared college I was cutting myself a lot. January 3, 2007 I stopped my bleeding. I decided that I needed to change before I cut too deep and died. Since then I have worked really hard to try and be better. I have found out who my real friends are and I have found people who care even though I have never actually seen them face to face. I have seen just how much God loves me and I have finally found MY faith not the faith that other people tell me I need to have. I am trying to be better than I was before and all I ask is that if you only want to hinder my journey do it somewhere else.

What? Two in one day? Crazy!

I posted this on myspace early this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?

Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.

But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.

I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.

I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.

Just a little while ago I posted this

Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.

Tell me your thoughts

Long time no blog

My “Dashboard” said last post on April 24 and that was a long time ago. Here I am to update the blog that I said I would update more often but I honestly forget to or when I remember it is 3 in the morning or I’m at church or other completely inconvenient times. But here I am. Summer is almost over and it has been amazing. I went to Kansas City, Missouri for Blume. I spent a week at Inlow. I went to Centrifuge as a leader. The most exciting thing that happened was sharing my story face to face with someone and having them tell me that they know how I feel because they have lived the life of rejection and have lost 50 pounds because they thought it would make boys like her more only to realize that it made no difference. Since April I have fully realized the love God has for me. Your Favorite Enemies continues to make me feel worth something.

Right now my life is overall pretty good and I am happy about that fact.