What? Two in one day? Crazy!

I posted this on myspace early this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?

Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.

But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.

I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.

I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.

Just a little while ago I posted this

Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.

Tell me your thoughts