Labor Day weekend I will be attending a thing called Freedom Fest and I am starting to be VERY excited. It is going to be three days, 10 bands, vicious sunburn, and riding way too many amusement park rides. It shall be amazing. Here is the lineup:
Saturday:
Wavorly
Ever Stays Red
The Classic Crime
Project 86
Sunday:
Foolish Things
Rockwell Social
Hawk Nelson
Monday:
Old Man Shattered
Falling Up
Red
I am very very excited. Last year at Freedom Fest I made a shirt that had lyrics from every band and I made them find their own lyrics. That was really fun and I think I might do it again because you would be surprised at how hard it was for some of them. It didn’t really help that I chose the most obscure lyric I could come up with. I cannot wait.
I also found out Wednesday night that Todd Agnew and A Rush of Fools are playing a show at my church. That's exciting too.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Is it easier?
A very smart guy named Jonathan told me that sometimes the people who it is easiest to talk to are complete strangers and I have found this to be true. I spill my heart on this blog and it would be incredibly hard for me to let the people I’ve known for a long time read it. If they were to read this blog it would shock them because none of they could even fathom how close to suicide I was. But like they always tell you in health class the people who are close to suicide are the ones you least expect because they have learned to hide it so well.
I am going to try and make this blog more light hearted because it is awfully heavy. Try being the keyword.
Also I posted a picture that isn't of my knee so you can see who I am. It is a picture of me and Hawk Nelson
I am going to try and make this blog more light hearted because it is awfully heavy. Try being the keyword.
Also I posted a picture that isn't of my knee so you can see who I am. It is a picture of me and Hawk Nelson
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Hello new readers.
I recently have taken to commenting on Brock Gill’s Blog so I have a feeling I might actually have people who read my blog. I will give you the short version of who I am, if you want to see the whole picture go and read my blog from the beginning. That isn’t really all that big of a task I think there are only about 15 entries total.
Hello, my name is Christi. I was born into a Christian home and raised as such. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7. When I was 9 my dad died. When I was 10 my mom got remarried to a man who was a complete jerk and my mom was the only one who couldn’t see it. When I was almost 12 my mom came to her senses and got a divorce. Later that year my aunt, uncle and cousin moved in with my sister, mom and I. My cousin Jessica was “special” or that is what she made people think. She would skate through school not really having to try and I was working my butt off. The fact that Jessica got never ending praise caused me to become depressed because I felt like no one cared about me or how hard I was working. Even after Jessica moved out of our house I never fully came out of my depression and I started to self injure. It started out just being things like not eating lunch because I didn’t feel good about myself that day and escalated progressively as I went through high school and by the time I stared college I was cutting myself a lot. January 3, 2007 I stopped my bleeding. I decided that I needed to change before I cut too deep and died. Since then I have worked really hard to try and be better. I have found out who my real friends are and I have found people who care even though I have never actually seen them face to face. I have seen just how much God loves me and I have finally found MY faith not the faith that other people tell me I need to have. I am trying to be better than I was before and all I ask is that if you only want to hinder my journey do it somewhere else.
Hello, my name is Christi. I was born into a Christian home and raised as such. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7. When I was 9 my dad died. When I was 10 my mom got remarried to a man who was a complete jerk and my mom was the only one who couldn’t see it. When I was almost 12 my mom came to her senses and got a divorce. Later that year my aunt, uncle and cousin moved in with my sister, mom and I. My cousin Jessica was “special” or that is what she made people think. She would skate through school not really having to try and I was working my butt off. The fact that Jessica got never ending praise caused me to become depressed because I felt like no one cared about me or how hard I was working. Even after Jessica moved out of our house I never fully came out of my depression and I started to self injure. It started out just being things like not eating lunch because I didn’t feel good about myself that day and escalated progressively as I went through high school and by the time I stared college I was cutting myself a lot. January 3, 2007 I stopped my bleeding. I decided that I needed to change before I cut too deep and died. Since then I have worked really hard to try and be better. I have found out who my real friends are and I have found people who care even though I have never actually seen them face to face. I have seen just how much God loves me and I have finally found MY faith not the faith that other people tell me I need to have. I am trying to be better than I was before and all I ask is that if you only want to hinder my journey do it somewhere else.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
What? Two in one day? Crazy!
I posted this on myspace early this morning and I wanted to share it with you.
Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?
Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.
But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.
I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.
I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.
Just a little while ago I posted this
Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.
Tell me your thoughts
Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?
Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.
But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.
I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.
I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.
Just a little while ago I posted this
Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.
Tell me your thoughts
Long time no blog
My “Dashboard” said last post on April 24 and that was a long time ago. Here I am to update the blog that I said I would update more often but I honestly forget to or when I remember it is 3 in the morning or I’m at church or other completely inconvenient times. But here I am. Summer is almost over and it has been amazing. I went to Kansas City, Missouri for Blume. I spent a week at Inlow. I went to Centrifuge as a leader. The most exciting thing that happened was sharing my story face to face with someone and having them tell me that they know how I feel because they have lived the life of rejection and have lost 50 pounds because they thought it would make boys like her more only to realize that it made no difference. Since April I have fully realized the love God has for me. Your Favorite Enemies continues to make me feel worth something.
Right now my life is overall pretty good and I am happy about that fact.
Right now my life is overall pretty good and I am happy about that fact.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Cody
love is a refuge with fears and doubts.
so true.
I finished the semester yesterday I am happy about that. Thismorning I got a letter from my friend Cody it told me how he feels like he failed me and how he is sorry. Last summer when I made my pledge to have a boy free diet he made a pledge of nundonship and then he thought he had found the one so he broke his promise. About a month ago he broke up with the one and he felt like he failed me. I wrote back to him to tell him that I felt like I had failed him. Since my last post my 150 day anniversary came and it was amazing.
so true.
I finished the semester yesterday I am happy about that. Thismorning I got a letter from my friend Cody it told me how he feels like he failed me and how he is sorry. Last summer when I made my pledge to have a boy free diet he made a pledge of nundonship and then he thought he had found the one so he broke his promise. About a month ago he broke up with the one and he felt like he failed me. I wrote back to him to tell him that I felt like I had failed him. Since my last post my 150 day anniversary came and it was amazing.
Monday, April 09, 2007
insane
So I told you that this blog would probably be updated a couple times a week what a joke. I am updating it more often though so that is good. I think the last time I wrote was March 27 so here is what has happened since then.
Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?
YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.
Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.
Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?
YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.
Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.
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