Hello new readers.

I recently have taken to commenting on Brock Gill’s Blog so I have a feeling I might actually have people who read my blog. I will give you the short version of who I am, if you want to see the whole picture go and read my blog from the beginning. That isn’t really all that big of a task I think there are only about 15 entries total.

Hello, my name is Christi. I was born into a Christian home and raised as such. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7. When I was 9 my dad died. When I was 10 my mom got remarried to a man who was a complete jerk and my mom was the only one who couldn’t see it. When I was almost 12 my mom came to her senses and got a divorce. Later that year my aunt, uncle and cousin moved in with my sister, mom and I. My cousin Jessica was “special” or that is what she made people think. She would skate through school not really having to try and I was working my butt off. The fact that Jessica got never ending praise caused me to become depressed because I felt like no one cared about me or how hard I was working. Even after Jessica moved out of our house I never fully came out of my depression and I started to self injure. It started out just being things like not eating lunch because I didn’t feel good about myself that day and escalated progressively as I went through high school and by the time I stared college I was cutting myself a lot. January 3, 2007 I stopped my bleeding. I decided that I needed to change before I cut too deep and died. Since then I have worked really hard to try and be better. I have found out who my real friends are and I have found people who care even though I have never actually seen them face to face. I have seen just how much God loves me and I have finally found MY faith not the faith that other people tell me I need to have. I am trying to be better than I was before and all I ask is that if you only want to hinder my journey do it somewhere else.

What? Two in one day? Crazy!

I posted this on myspace early this morning and I wanted to share it with you.

Have you ever noticed how our grand schemes never seem to work out the way we planned them?

Up until a month ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to be a forensic scientist. I was going to work for the FBI. I was going to get married to my knight in shining armor. I was going to have little girls to dress up in frilly dresses. I thought I had my life planned out.I still plan on marriage to my knight and frilly dress wearing little girls but I don’t know where my forensic dreams lie. I don’t know if that is what I really want anymore.In the past few months I have been thinking about life and realizing that the things I thought I knew in 9th grade aren’t what I thought they would be. I realized that my dreams of forensic science are a lot further away, that forensics isn’t a field that comes easily. I realized that I have a passion for photography and music. I am realizing that being a professional photographer to musicians would be wonderful. But I can just see my families reaction, there would be a lot of sighing there would be a lot of telling me that I would just be a starving dreamer. They would tell me that I need to get an education and have a “real” job.

But right now what I am wanting more than knowing about my future career is to have a boy look at me the way Bill looks at Mel. The way Joey looks at Heidi. That look of love beyond compare, the look that says I will love you no matter how many struggles we go through. Maybe I am a hopeless dreamer but I want love like in the movies. I want to be the lonely girl that has the gorgeous popular guy falling all over himself to win her heart. I am tired of people saying that someday the right boy will come along to sweep me off my feet.

I sound really selfish and whiny but I want it now. I have been waiting 19 years for a boy to show any romantic interest in me. For the past year I was on a boy free diet and since ending it nothing has changed. It isn’t that I really expected to have boys falling down on my door step but I thought that maybe things would be different than they have been the rest of my life. Every girl needs to be needed. Every girl has sat by the phone or has sat on myspace waiting, wishing, hoping that today will be the day he will call, today he will confess that he loves me as much as I love him. It seems like that every guy I have wanted to love me has started going out with my friend, or moves away when finally I was getting close to them. I’m not going to lie it hurts to be 19 and have never been kissed, it seems like everyone has someone and I have no one.

I have a feeling that by this time of the writing at least some of you are thinking that I’m just tired and that I’m just exaggerating because it is almost one in the morning but would you take this more seriously if I was to publish it at one in the afternoon? And if I want to change what I said in the morning I will but I’m pretty sure this is how I will feel tomorrow and that nothing will have changed by then.

Just a little while ago I posted this

Very early this morning I posted a bulletin. It contained things that have been weighing heavily on my heart recently and I said I would tell you if I needed to make any changes and I don’t need to. All those words still ring true. Tonight I received a message that made me cry. This person told me that they would give anything to give their first kiss back. They said they are in the same boat about being lost to their future career. I want to sincerely thank that person, because you showed me that I am not alone. Here is what I will say, I can’t see around the bend in the road but when I get there everything that has happened will make sense.

Tell me your thoughts

Long time no blog

My “Dashboard” said last post on April 24 and that was a long time ago. Here I am to update the blog that I said I would update more often but I honestly forget to or when I remember it is 3 in the morning or I’m at church or other completely inconvenient times. But here I am. Summer is almost over and it has been amazing. I went to Kansas City, Missouri for Blume. I spent a week at Inlow. I went to Centrifuge as a leader. The most exciting thing that happened was sharing my story face to face with someone and having them tell me that they know how I feel because they have lived the life of rejection and have lost 50 pounds because they thought it would make boys like her more only to realize that it made no difference. Since April I have fully realized the love God has for me. Your Favorite Enemies continues to make me feel worth something.

Right now my life is overall pretty good and I am happy about that fact.

Cody

love is a refuge with fears and doubts.

so true.

I finished the semester yesterday I am happy about that. Thismorning I got a letter from my friend Cody it told me how he feels like he failed me and how he is sorry. Last summer when I made my pledge to have a boy free diet he made a pledge of nundonship and then he thought he had found the one so he broke his promise. About a month ago he broke up with the one and he felt like he failed me. I wrote back to him to tell him that I felt like I had failed him. Since my last post my 150 day anniversary came and it was amazing.

insane

So I told you that this blog would probably be updated a couple times a week what a joke. I am updating it more often though so that is good. I think the last time I wrote was March 27 so here is what has happened since then.

Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?

YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.

Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.

Man oh man

So here I am writing the first blog entry in my new direction. I am continually amazed at how one moment you can be completely on the verge and then a word, a smile can change the course of your entire week. A little while ago a wrote to a band named Nevertheless and told them how their music and bloggings had encouraged me when I really needed it. When I wrote to them I hadn't really expected a reply but I got one and it brought me to tears that a band would take time out of their busy schedule to write to me. It blew me away it really did.

I'm just going to throw some thing that you should know. I have a class this semester that I hate. It might me more like that I hate the teacher because I think that if I had a different teacher the class wouldn't be so bad. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this class because I could drop the class and not have to deal with it anymore but if I drop the class I wouldn't have enough credit hours to qualify for the scholarship I am supposed to get for the next semester. I don't know what to do.

Different Direction

I have decided that I need to take this blog in a competly different dirrection. I am going to release my story and tell you you just my day to day workings. This blog will hopefully get updated at least a couple times a week. I want to expose my heart show you how I became Christi.

To understand you have to come back with me to the very beginning. I was born into the quid essential Christian home my dad was the highly influential member of the congregation who everyone thought was perfect. Everyone thought he was wonderful because he over came his disabilities of being a blind paraplegic and he loved God and loved his family. My mom stayed at home and had Tupperware parties for all the church women. My sister was born just days before I graduated kindergarten and was dedicated to the Lord when she was 2 days old. If anything my family and I deserved to be in a TV ad for a church. I became a Christian when I was 7 and the next two years were the best years of my life. That was until my dad died. The day my dad died started a battle within me that continues even today. Just barely one year after my dad’s death my mom fell in “love”, got remarried and moved us away from the only home I had ever known. My step dad had been married twice before and had 4 children. He thought his kids were angels and could do no wrong so whenever something went wrong it was me or my sister’s fault. He physically abused my sister by grabbing her nose and saying that thing that goes “I got your nose" he would swing her face around and she would get bloody noses and it wouldn’t surprise me if he had broke her nose one of those times. It took my mom 493 days for my mom to see through his crap and file for divorce. Yes I counted. After my mom came to her senses we stayed in Durango. About six months after the divorce my mom let my aunt uncle and cousin move in with us. My cousin Jessica is “special” or that’s what she made everyone believe. Jessica was put in special ed classes because she had people convinced she had a learning disability. Jessica didn’t really have a learning disability because she told me so. She said that it was so nice to just be able to float through school with out having to put any effort. Jessica made me promise to never tell anyone so I didn’t until right now I have never told anyone that I knew all along that she didn’t have a learning disability. Holding that secret for her was my down fall. After Jessica moved in with us she started having boys fall all over her. I still to this day have never had a boyfriend and within one week of going to school Jessica had a boyfriend. I was working my but off for my grades, Jessica was skating through school. I got more and more depressed everyday. Jessica would bring home school work having got a B and get never ending praise, I would bring home a paper with a B and get told to get the A next time. It killed me. The straw that finally made me completely give up was one day when me and Jessica both brought home a math test that we both had gotten an 86% on. Jessica’s test covered material I had mastered in fourth grade, mine was an 8th grade pre algebra class when I was in 7th grade. Jessica was praised “Great job” “we knew you could do it” “keep up the good work” you want to know what I got? “Good job but you should get an A next time” I decided right then that if they couldn’t praise me for my accomplishments I would stop accomplishing things. I stopped trying I walled myself off. I cried myself to sleep every night because I wanted so desperately for someone to care enough to notice I was hurting. Since I quit trying I essentially failed 7th grade so I was sent off to summer school. One day in summer school I went and sat down at a table with people during the break between classes and one of the people said go away bitch no one wants you here. That night was the first time I cut myself. I just hurt so bad and had pushed all the pain so far down that I just exploded. I cut and it kind of scared me how easy it was that it didn’t cut again for a long time. By the beginning of 8th grade I was very suicidal, I fully believed that God had abandoned me and that no one would notice if I just disappeared. I planned my suicide all out, I knew when I knew where I knew with what. I had one foot off the cliff I was so close to the edge. The only thing that kept me from falling face first into the abyss was a guy in my 8th grade class by the name of Jesse. He saved my life by caring, Jesse had never been where I was but he saw through the façade I had and listened when no one else would. 8th grade had its ups and downs but one of the biggest downs didn’t happen until the very end of the year. I knew that I was moving over the summer and I had written a letter to Jesse to tell him the things I couldn’t say, things about how he saved me, how I was so glad that I had the privilege of being his friend, and that I would miss him more than he would ever know. Someone jokingly said it was a love note and Jesse flipped out, he tore it up and threw it away without ever reading it. Jesse never spoke to me again I really have no idea why it broke my heart and sent me spiraling downward. I don’t think I have ever fully recovered from that event, I have a very hard time trusting people because I am so afraid that they will hurt me like he did. I moved back to Albuquerque and I started high school as the new kid. I am very quiet until you get to know me so I don’t made friends very easily, the fact that I am quiet also makes me an easy target for bullies so I got teased a lot during my first year of high school. This made me start cutting again. After freshman year things calmed down I still cut because I still tried to shut the world out by not showing anything until everything overflowed to a razor blade. In tenth grade I had a teacher who looked me in the eye and told me to go for my dreams no matter how impossible they seem. In eleventh grade I had another amazing teacher that showed me how to let go and have a good time. Twelfth grade was the year I was most stressed in high school I was preparing for college I was much more active at school. Everyone thought I was doing pretty good but they didn’t know that all the stress made me cut. I graduated the summer went pretty well until the end when I had to completely change my college plans because of money. I stayed in Albuquerque instead of going down to Las Cruses, New Mexico. Not being able to go away to college broke my heart and sent me self injury into overdrive. Self injury is an addiction and just like taking drugs eventually what you started with isn’t enough anymore so my cutting got deeper and I got further from who I wanted to be. Things just got worse over the course of my first semester in college, I had a teacher who treated me like dirt and failed me. On December 7th my little sister went to the doctor because she was having horrible stomach pain on December 8th she was admitted to the hospital with a burst appendix. I lived in the hospital with Sara for the ten days she was in there. Since I was living at the hospital I had to ride the bus to get to school to take my finals. On the day that I had the final with my jerky teacher I left with what should have given me plenty of time but due to traffic I got to the classroom 5 minutes late and my teacher wouldn’t let me in to take my final. Since I didn’t take my final she failed me for the entire semester. Since I failed a class my financial aid was taken away, since my fanatical aid was taken away I had to pay for my classes this semester out of my pocket. This brings us to 2007. On January 3rd I stopped my bleeding. I was tired of feeling the way I did. I wanted t be different I needed to change what I was doing to myself. I haven’t cut in over 100 days. I’m not going to lie to you not a day goes by that I don’t have the urge to cut but I have to remember to be strong.


This is my story and you don't have to understand you just have to know it is true.