love is a refuge with fears and doubts.
so true.
I finished the semester yesterday I am happy about that. Thismorning I got a letter from my friend Cody it told me how he feels like he failed me and how he is sorry. Last summer when I made my pledge to have a boy free diet he made a pledge of nundonship and then he thought he had found the one so he broke his promise. About a month ago he broke up with the one and he felt like he failed me. I wrote back to him to tell him that I felt like I had failed him. Since my last post my 150 day anniversary came and it was amazing.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
insane
So I told you that this blog would probably be updated a couple times a week what a joke. I am updating it more often though so that is good. I think the last time I wrote was March 27 so here is what has happened since then.
Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?
YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.
Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.
Recently I have been watching a video series entitled "Intimate Portrait With Jeff" Jeff is a guitarist for a band named Your Favorite Enemies. Those videos made me cry because Jeff is so honest and real it is his life and he just wants to share his pain and that there is a brighter tomorrow. YFE as a band cares. I mean really cares they spend hours and hours each day personally replying to every message that comes there way. I was amazed not only do they reply personally to messages but they leave you comments they don't just leave Thanx 4 the add they spend time finding out who you are and make you feel worth something. One of the coolest things is that they left a comment on one of my prom pictures from last year saying that "Tell that guy he's lucky to know a cool girl like you...You look awesome you know that right?" Man that got me, he's lucky to know me?
YFE makes me feel worthy of love. They tell me I am beautiful when the rest of the world tells me I'm fat, ugly, pasty white and a loser. I love them.
Never the less Nevertheless has kind of failed me. I have started writing a weekly update on myspace. It gets sent to Nevertheless, my friend Heather, YFE, and my friend Alex. When I sent other messages to Nevertheless I got a reply within 3 or 4 days it has been over a week. I know that they have read them they just didn't send a reply and it makes me sad. I will write another update tonight and send it off and maybe they can redeem themselves by replying this time.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Man oh man
So here I am writing the first blog entry in my new direction. I am continually amazed at how one moment you can be completely on the verge and then a word, a smile can change the course of your entire week. A little while ago a wrote to a band named Nevertheless and told them how their music and bloggings had encouraged me when I really needed it. When I wrote to them I hadn't really expected a reply but I got one and it brought me to tears that a band would take time out of their busy schedule to write to me. It blew me away it really did.
I'm just going to throw some thing that you should know. I have a class this semester that I hate. It might me more like that I hate the teacher because I think that if I had a different teacher the class wouldn't be so bad. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this class because I could drop the class and not have to deal with it anymore but if I drop the class I wouldn't have enough credit hours to qualify for the scholarship I am supposed to get for the next semester. I don't know what to do.
I'm just going to throw some thing that you should know. I have a class this semester that I hate. It might me more like that I hate the teacher because I think that if I had a different teacher the class wouldn't be so bad. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with this class because I could drop the class and not have to deal with it anymore but if I drop the class I wouldn't have enough credit hours to qualify for the scholarship I am supposed to get for the next semester. I don't know what to do.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Different Direction
I have decided that I need to take this blog in a competly different dirrection. I am going to release my story and tell you you just my day to day workings. This blog will hopefully get updated at least a couple times a week. I want to expose my heart show you how I became Christi.
To understand you have to come back with me to the very beginning. I was born into the quid essential Christian home my dad was the highly influential member of the congregation who everyone thought was perfect. Everyone thought he was wonderful because he over came his disabilities of being a blind paraplegic and he loved God and loved his family. My mom stayed at home and had Tupperware parties for all the church women. My sister was born just days before I graduated kindergarten and was dedicated to the Lord when she was 2 days old. If anything my family and I deserved to be in a TV ad for a church. I became a Christian when I was 7 and the next two years were the best years of my life. That was until my dad died. The day my dad died started a battle within me that continues even today. Just barely one year after my dad’s death my mom fell in “love”, got remarried and moved us away from the only home I had ever known. My step dad had been married twice before and had 4 children. He thought his kids were angels and could do no wrong so whenever something went wrong it was me or my sister’s fault. He physically abused my sister by grabbing her nose and saying that thing that goes “I got your nose" he would swing her face around and she would get bloody noses and it wouldn’t surprise me if he had broke her nose one of those times. It took my mom 493 days for my mom to see through his crap and file for divorce. Yes I counted. After my mom came to her senses we stayed in Durango. About six months after the divorce my mom let my aunt uncle and cousin move in with us. My cousin Jessica is “special” or that’s what she made everyone believe. Jessica was put in special ed classes because she had people convinced she had a learning disability. Jessica didn’t really have a learning disability because she told me so. She said that it was so nice to just be able to float through school with out having to put any effort. Jessica made me promise to never tell anyone so I didn’t until right now I have never told anyone that I knew all along that she didn’t have a learning disability. Holding that secret for her was my down fall. After Jessica moved in with us she started having boys fall all over her. I still to this day have never had a boyfriend and within one week of going to school Jessica had a boyfriend. I was working my but off for my grades, Jessica was skating through school. I got more and more depressed everyday. Jessica would bring home school work having got a B and get never ending praise, I would bring home a paper with a B and get told to get the A next time. It killed me. The straw that finally made me completely give up was one day when me and Jessica both brought home a math test that we both had gotten an 86% on. Jessica’s test covered material I had mastered in fourth grade, mine was an 8th grade pre algebra class when I was in 7th grade. Jessica was praised “Great job” “we knew you could do it” “keep up the good work” you want to know what I got? “Good job but you should get an A next time” I decided right then that if they couldn’t praise me for my accomplishments I would stop accomplishing things. I stopped trying I walled myself off. I cried myself to sleep every night because I wanted so desperately for someone to care enough to notice I was hurting. Since I quit trying I essentially failed 7th grade so I was sent off to summer school. One day in summer school I went and sat down at a table with people during the break between classes and one of the people said go away bitch no one wants you here. That night was the first time I cut myself. I just hurt so bad and had pushed all the pain so far down that I just exploded. I cut and it kind of scared me how easy it was that it didn’t cut again for a long time. By the beginning of 8th grade I was very suicidal, I fully believed that God had abandoned me and that no one would notice if I just disappeared. I planned my suicide all out, I knew when I knew where I knew with what. I had one foot off the cliff I was so close to the edge. The only thing that kept me from falling face first into the abyss was a guy in my 8th grade class by the name of Jesse. He saved my life by caring, Jesse had never been where I was but he saw through the façade I had and listened when no one else would. 8th grade had its ups and downs but one of the biggest downs didn’t happen until the very end of the year. I knew that I was moving over the summer and I had written a letter to Jesse to tell him the things I couldn’t say, things about how he saved me, how I was so glad that I had the privilege of being his friend, and that I would miss him more than he would ever know. Someone jokingly said it was a love note and Jesse flipped out, he tore it up and threw it away without ever reading it. Jesse never spoke to me again I really have no idea why it broke my heart and sent me spiraling downward. I don’t think I have ever fully recovered from that event, I have a very hard time trusting people because I am so afraid that they will hurt me like he did. I moved back to Albuquerque and I started high school as the new kid. I am very quiet until you get to know me so I don’t made friends very easily, the fact that I am quiet also makes me an easy target for bullies so I got teased a lot during my first year of high school. This made me start cutting again. After freshman year things calmed down I still cut because I still tried to shut the world out by not showing anything until everything overflowed to a razor blade. In tenth grade I had a teacher who looked me in the eye and told me to go for my dreams no matter how impossible they seem. In eleventh grade I had another amazing teacher that showed me how to let go and have a good time. Twelfth grade was the year I was most stressed in high school I was preparing for college I was much more active at school. Everyone thought I was doing pretty good but they didn’t know that all the stress made me cut. I graduated the summer went pretty well until the end when I had to completely change my college plans because of money. I stayed in Albuquerque instead of going down to Las Cruses, New Mexico. Not being able to go away to college broke my heart and sent me self injury into overdrive. Self injury is an addiction and just like taking drugs eventually what you started with isn’t enough anymore so my cutting got deeper and I got further from who I wanted to be. Things just got worse over the course of my first semester in college, I had a teacher who treated me like dirt and failed me. On December 7th my little sister went to the doctor because she was having horrible stomach pain on December 8th she was admitted to the hospital with a burst appendix. I lived in the hospital with Sara for the ten days she was in there. Since I was living at the hospital I had to ride the bus to get to school to take my finals. On the day that I had the final with my jerky teacher I left with what should have given me plenty of time but due to traffic I got to the classroom 5 minutes late and my teacher wouldn’t let me in to take my final. Since I didn’t take my final she failed me for the entire semester. Since I failed a class my financial aid was taken away, since my fanatical aid was taken away I had to pay for my classes this semester out of my pocket. This brings us to 2007. On January 3rd I stopped my bleeding. I was tired of feeling the way I did. I wanted t be different I needed to change what I was doing to myself. I haven’t cut in over 100 days. I’m not going to lie to you not a day goes by that I don’t have the urge to cut but I have to remember to be strong.
This is my story and you don't have to understand you just have to know it is true.
To understand you have to come back with me to the very beginning. I was born into the quid essential Christian home my dad was the highly influential member of the congregation who everyone thought was perfect. Everyone thought he was wonderful because he over came his disabilities of being a blind paraplegic and he loved God and loved his family. My mom stayed at home and had Tupperware parties for all the church women. My sister was born just days before I graduated kindergarten and was dedicated to the Lord when she was 2 days old. If anything my family and I deserved to be in a TV ad for a church. I became a Christian when I was 7 and the next two years were the best years of my life. That was until my dad died. The day my dad died started a battle within me that continues even today. Just barely one year after my dad’s death my mom fell in “love”, got remarried and moved us away from the only home I had ever known. My step dad had been married twice before and had 4 children. He thought his kids were angels and could do no wrong so whenever something went wrong it was me or my sister’s fault. He physically abused my sister by grabbing her nose and saying that thing that goes “I got your nose" he would swing her face around and she would get bloody noses and it wouldn’t surprise me if he had broke her nose one of those times. It took my mom 493 days for my mom to see through his crap and file for divorce. Yes I counted. After my mom came to her senses we stayed in Durango. About six months after the divorce my mom let my aunt uncle and cousin move in with us. My cousin Jessica is “special” or that’s what she made everyone believe. Jessica was put in special ed classes because she had people convinced she had a learning disability. Jessica didn’t really have a learning disability because she told me so. She said that it was so nice to just be able to float through school with out having to put any effort. Jessica made me promise to never tell anyone so I didn’t until right now I have never told anyone that I knew all along that she didn’t have a learning disability. Holding that secret for her was my down fall. After Jessica moved in with us she started having boys fall all over her. I still to this day have never had a boyfriend and within one week of going to school Jessica had a boyfriend. I was working my but off for my grades, Jessica was skating through school. I got more and more depressed everyday. Jessica would bring home school work having got a B and get never ending praise, I would bring home a paper with a B and get told to get the A next time. It killed me. The straw that finally made me completely give up was one day when me and Jessica both brought home a math test that we both had gotten an 86% on. Jessica’s test covered material I had mastered in fourth grade, mine was an 8th grade pre algebra class when I was in 7th grade. Jessica was praised “Great job” “we knew you could do it” “keep up the good work” you want to know what I got? “Good job but you should get an A next time” I decided right then that if they couldn’t praise me for my accomplishments I would stop accomplishing things. I stopped trying I walled myself off. I cried myself to sleep every night because I wanted so desperately for someone to care enough to notice I was hurting. Since I quit trying I essentially failed 7th grade so I was sent off to summer school. One day in summer school I went and sat down at a table with people during the break between classes and one of the people said go away bitch no one wants you here. That night was the first time I cut myself. I just hurt so bad and had pushed all the pain so far down that I just exploded. I cut and it kind of scared me how easy it was that it didn’t cut again for a long time. By the beginning of 8th grade I was very suicidal, I fully believed that God had abandoned me and that no one would notice if I just disappeared. I planned my suicide all out, I knew when I knew where I knew with what. I had one foot off the cliff I was so close to the edge. The only thing that kept me from falling face first into the abyss was a guy in my 8th grade class by the name of Jesse. He saved my life by caring, Jesse had never been where I was but he saw through the façade I had and listened when no one else would. 8th grade had its ups and downs but one of the biggest downs didn’t happen until the very end of the year. I knew that I was moving over the summer and I had written a letter to Jesse to tell him the things I couldn’t say, things about how he saved me, how I was so glad that I had the privilege of being his friend, and that I would miss him more than he would ever know. Someone jokingly said it was a love note and Jesse flipped out, he tore it up and threw it away without ever reading it. Jesse never spoke to me again I really have no idea why it broke my heart and sent me spiraling downward. I don’t think I have ever fully recovered from that event, I have a very hard time trusting people because I am so afraid that they will hurt me like he did. I moved back to Albuquerque and I started high school as the new kid. I am very quiet until you get to know me so I don’t made friends very easily, the fact that I am quiet also makes me an easy target for bullies so I got teased a lot during my first year of high school. This made me start cutting again. After freshman year things calmed down I still cut because I still tried to shut the world out by not showing anything until everything overflowed to a razor blade. In tenth grade I had a teacher who looked me in the eye and told me to go for my dreams no matter how impossible they seem. In eleventh grade I had another amazing teacher that showed me how to let go and have a good time. Twelfth grade was the year I was most stressed in high school I was preparing for college I was much more active at school. Everyone thought I was doing pretty good but they didn’t know that all the stress made me cut. I graduated the summer went pretty well until the end when I had to completely change my college plans because of money. I stayed in Albuquerque instead of going down to Las Cruses, New Mexico. Not being able to go away to college broke my heart and sent me self injury into overdrive. Self injury is an addiction and just like taking drugs eventually what you started with isn’t enough anymore so my cutting got deeper and I got further from who I wanted to be. Things just got worse over the course of my first semester in college, I had a teacher who treated me like dirt and failed me. On December 7th my little sister went to the doctor because she was having horrible stomach pain on December 8th she was admitted to the hospital with a burst appendix. I lived in the hospital with Sara for the ten days she was in there. Since I was living at the hospital I had to ride the bus to get to school to take my finals. On the day that I had the final with my jerky teacher I left with what should have given me plenty of time but due to traffic I got to the classroom 5 minutes late and my teacher wouldn’t let me in to take my final. Since I didn’t take my final she failed me for the entire semester. Since I failed a class my financial aid was taken away, since my fanatical aid was taken away I had to pay for my classes this semester out of my pocket. This brings us to 2007. On January 3rd I stopped my bleeding. I was tired of feeling the way I did. I wanted t be different I needed to change what I was doing to myself. I haven’t cut in over 100 days. I’m not going to lie to you not a day goes by that I don’t have the urge to cut but I have to remember to be strong.
This is my story and you don't have to understand you just have to know it is true.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
6 months
July to January that is a long time but here I am again. I read through my previous posts and I said Luke could be "the one" I laugh at that because not even a week after I posted that Luke began going out with one of my best friends. Why do I even try? I know boys don't like me like a girlfriend. I'm just the friend whose shoulder you can cry on.
I will give you an update on my life in the months in between my last post and now. I went to a place called Inlow and found that sometimes the people who love you the most are the ones who you just met. While I was up there I also realized that what people told me was true, boys are not worth all my time and tears. In that moment I made a promise that boys can wait and I am not going to pursue any relationships until 07-07-07 why that specific date I don't know that’s just when it is. On a completely different note I stayed in Albuquerque instead of moving down to Las Cruces to start college. That was a very big decision for me but I did it and now I have decided to stay another semester up here in Albuquerque. My sister’s appendix ruptured and I lived at the hospital with her for 10 days. However, she can’t have surgery until February so they can clear out the infection.
That is all the big things that have happened since my last post and as always you don’t have to understand you just have to know it’s true.
I will give you an update on my life in the months in between my last post and now. I went to a place called Inlow and found that sometimes the people who love you the most are the ones who you just met. While I was up there I also realized that what people told me was true, boys are not worth all my time and tears. In that moment I made a promise that boys can wait and I am not going to pursue any relationships until 07-07-07 why that specific date I don't know that’s just when it is. On a completely different note I stayed in Albuquerque instead of moving down to Las Cruces to start college. That was a very big decision for me but I did it and now I have decided to stay another semester up here in Albuquerque. My sister’s appendix ruptured and I lived at the hospital with her for 10 days. However, she can’t have surgery until February so they can clear out the infection.
That is all the big things that have happened since my last post and as always you don’t have to understand you just have to know it’s true.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Just another example of how stupid I am
It has been a very long time since I last wrote in my blog but here I am to give an update of my life. Even thought it has been a while my entry is still about the same thing boys and how stupid I am. Most recently the boy is Luke. People in cyberspace if you haven’t noticed from my other blog entries I fall for boys really hard really fast. I see a boy, he is nice to me, he’s funny, really the fact that he even notices I’m alive and talks to me, and I fall. Luke was no different he gave me the time of day and I fell flat on my face. You know how on TV how people magically get beautiful over the summer that is kind of what Luke did. Luke and I go to the same camp every summer and last summer he was nothing remarkable this summer I saw him and he was beautiful. Luke has always been one of those people who will talk to you no matter who you are so he talked, I fell. This year I hung out and talked to Luke more than I talked to anyone else, it wasn’t because I was totally in love with him but it was because he told me that I am one of the only people who he remembers from years past. Me and him both are sad that almost no one in America cares about the World Cup, we also both hate the stereotypes that people have assigned us, he has been branded a jock for the fact that he plays multiple sports and I have been branded an emo kid just because I listen to sad music and own a hoodie. Him and I have seen each other grow up and it makes us sad that this was our last year to be able to come to this camp. I will miss sneaking out of the cabin at two in the morning to look at the stars, I will miss the boys singing My Girl, I will miss being able to leave my everyday life behind even if it was only for a week. Camp may have just given me another boy to stress over but this boy may be the real deal. And as always you don’t have to understand you just have to know it is true.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Prom
I just came from prom and it was amazing except for one thing. I was tring to be prom queen and I didn't win. I knew deep down that I wasn't going to win but it still really hurts. All this past week I have worn a crown and a sash that says Vote Christi Queen. I am the only canidate who did this I am the only one who was creative enough too. I wanted this so bad I wanted for once in my life to be recognized for something. I want to cry it makes me very very sad. My husband cut his hair and that also makes me sad but he still looked beautiful. On a brighter note prom was awesome I felt beautiful all my friends looked gorgeous, we danced like there was no tommorrow. It is my goal thay before I graduate I will have at least hugged my husband I have 25 days. Lastly you don't have to understand you just have to know its true.
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